Dear flesh and blood
We used to play together
Now not anymore...
You used to wanna stick to me
But I always pushed you aside
Growing up I never ever thought
One day I'd wake up
And our fantasies will be over
Rainbows are shorter
Notice between flowers
There are thorns
Now if I knew
I would have held on
Held on so tight to your hand
Your little palm in my little palm
We'll hold on
Well I know now the bitter truth
We're apart, Only close by name
Everything's not the same...
But can I, dare I
Ask you now
Would you, would you
Make me apart of your life
Not feel afraid to share your cries
And bless me with your smiles..
It hurts me so
To watch from afar
Knowing you're taking the black path
But I'm silent and keep still
Cos I always stir your wrath..
Dear flesh and blood
We used to play together
We used to play together
We used to....
Tuesday 28 April 2009
Saturday 18 April 2009
Back then...
When I look back, I realised that just like many other people, growing up was not easy. And there are some people who while flipping the pages of their yearbook recount the horrors with laughter, I am not too sure if mine were funny at all.Or maybe I'm too serious. But whatever it is, my diary still holds recollections of the hurt, disappointment and frustration that took place a lot of the time. And most of the time, the strongest of these feelings were evoked by my parents.
After my teens I tried to talk to my mum about it before to cut loose my baggage, but soon realised that this is not a good tea topic for discussion as no parent would like to think that they've did something wrong right? After all, it is quite insulting to them after trying their very best, that things did not really work out. I really don't mean to say that I've now turned out any less than a decent adult, in fact I did turn out pretty ok. Just that I do carry some baggage from my teenage years.
When I entered my twenties, I did forget about the difficulty growing up during my teens for quite a bit as I spent less and less time with my parents and family. Recently, I realised the distance and space proved vital as it allowed me to grow on my own, feeling a little lighter and less burdened by all our communication breakdowns.
That difficult phase became a distant memory until tonight when I had dinner with my parents and two brothers. My mother seemed irritated for some reason, and the fact that the restaurant's service was poor further aggravated her nerves. We started by choosing dishes for dinner when I noticed that she her tone does have a patronising edge. I had for a long time forgotten this side of her as I've been busy with work so what little time I have with her, we usually spend it updating each other on our daily activities. Back to ordering dishes, I suggested what was good, but in her usual half-scolding voice, shot down my suggestions. Okay, never mind I told myself. Though, she could still have told me nicely some of them are having a cough, therefore they're having none of my chilli filled dishes but yet she said ' How to eat?! They're coughing!' Honestly, I think over the years growing up with her as a mum taught me how to be extremely tolerant. Many friends have many times been amazed at my ability to just shake things off and stay calm when being confronted by pissy people; well what can I say, my family taught me well. Back to the dinner scene, I just shrugged and told her to order whatever she wants.
While waiting for the food to arrive, the waiters kept coming to our table to let us know that this dish is sold out, that dish is sold out and so on. That got her blood pressure even higher and I could see she was snapping and mumbling her annoyances under her breath. So, trying to relax her, I jokingly asked, Why are you so angry? Stress ah? Take it easy la... No reply from her, so I thought maybe she did relax abit.
Later on while having dinner, when someone else mentioned again that she looks stressed (could have been my bro or I) she broke into a fury of words Why do you keep asking me if I'm angry? Of course I'm angry because you keep asking me that! Yeah I know I have a grumpy (type of) face!! I was shocked. That came out of nowhere. But then again, when I thought about it, this is really her.
She has the tendency to snap easily and when you tell her about it, she makes you feel really guilty for 'accusing' her of it. So definitely not the easiest to have difficult conversations with. Because when she feels she's right, she'll make damn sure you know she is RIGHT.
Exactly the problem I had when growing up. Both my mum and dad brought me up in lecture style. There was no such thing as open discussions. Their word is law, and a simple mistake of pointing out your opinion is understood as being rude or argumentative. And yet they talked about democracy, about Mahathir's iron fist but obviously such open mindedness did not extend to family communications.
It was very simple. If they say the apple is red and I pointed out it is actually green, I am considered rude. Of course in real life, the conversations were far much complexed, but that's the best and simplest way of explaining why I usually felt exasperated.
My mother also had this habit of making sure you do things in the way she saw it 'best'. Let's say if she told you to put on a cap because it is hot, and you'd rather not for some reason she'll call you silly/stupid. This was really patronising and annoying as while I was growing up, I felt the need to explore many things in new ways, yet I'd received flak because my ways were considered stupid.
It was in many ways hurtful, but I am glad that nowadays my time is not spent entirely with them, which gives me space to do my own stuff and feel that I miss them.
I've always observed my friends' communication with their parents and noticed the different dynamics that come into play. I have high regards for parents who when disagreeing with their child, ask them in a calm and unaffected tone why they are doing (whatever that displeases them) . And when the child explains, they do not immediately shoot down their child's answer but proceed to discuss about what displeases them. I was never a bad child or a naughty one. Yet while growing up, many times I felt like I was being questioned like a high-on-the-list fugitive. And 'discussions' always end with their verdict telling me exactly what they wanted me to do. I pray I never have to do that to my own children in future. Yet many people pray the same thing only to realise later their acting exactly like their parents did. Shudder ...
On retrospect, the way they brought me up contributed to the way I am today. I was timid because I was always afraid of what they would say or think. Today, I care less and realised I need to listen to my inner voice. In the past, when in conversation with people, I rarely voiced my opinion because with my parents, it was really unnecessary to have an opinion in an argument, so as to stay a 'polite' child. Most of the time when I did have courage to argue back, I usually ended up feeling defeated and in tears. They also always discouraged me from receiving favours from my friends because it is considered tak malu or visiting my friends' houses for no particular reason because they felt that each family needs its individual and private space. This I find is true with some families, but I've also learnt that there are many many families who keep their houses open to their friends whom they warmly welcome to their homes. And there are many friends who do you a big favour just because they're nice and not to make you feel like you owe them one. I once had difficulty accepting favours from friends, feeling very guilty each time I did because I always felt that they had to sacrifice time and effort just for me. And who was I? But thanks to many friends, they taught me that the best answer to a favour is just a big thank you and appreciation. Thanks guys, it was a good lesson learnt.
It may seem a little late, but finally I feel I can differentiate myself from my parents and I have moved from under their shadow. So many thoughts of rebellion that used to play in mind are now mostly gone. Now, I don't feel the need to fight back, because there is no fight anymore. I no longer feel their grip on me, but I hope I will see the next phase of life walking alongside them because I do love them, but it will take a lot more to forget the rough start.
After my teens I tried to talk to my mum about it before to cut loose my baggage, but soon realised that this is not a good tea topic for discussion as no parent would like to think that they've did something wrong right? After all, it is quite insulting to them after trying their very best, that things did not really work out. I really don't mean to say that I've now turned out any less than a decent adult, in fact I did turn out pretty ok. Just that I do carry some baggage from my teenage years.
When I entered my twenties, I did forget about the difficulty growing up during my teens for quite a bit as I spent less and less time with my parents and family. Recently, I realised the distance and space proved vital as it allowed me to grow on my own, feeling a little lighter and less burdened by all our communication breakdowns.
That difficult phase became a distant memory until tonight when I had dinner with my parents and two brothers. My mother seemed irritated for some reason, and the fact that the restaurant's service was poor further aggravated her nerves. We started by choosing dishes for dinner when I noticed that she her tone does have a patronising edge. I had for a long time forgotten this side of her as I've been busy with work so what little time I have with her, we usually spend it updating each other on our daily activities. Back to ordering dishes, I suggested what was good, but in her usual half-scolding voice, shot down my suggestions. Okay, never mind I told myself. Though, she could still have told me nicely some of them are having a cough, therefore they're having none of my chilli filled dishes but yet she said ' How to eat?! They're coughing!' Honestly, I think over the years growing up with her as a mum taught me how to be extremely tolerant. Many friends have many times been amazed at my ability to just shake things off and stay calm when being confronted by pissy people; well what can I say, my family taught me well. Back to the dinner scene, I just shrugged and told her to order whatever she wants.
While waiting for the food to arrive, the waiters kept coming to our table to let us know that this dish is sold out, that dish is sold out and so on. That got her blood pressure even higher and I could see she was snapping and mumbling her annoyances under her breath. So, trying to relax her, I jokingly asked, Why are you so angry? Stress ah? Take it easy la... No reply from her, so I thought maybe she did relax abit.
Later on while having dinner, when someone else mentioned again that she looks stressed (could have been my bro or I) she broke into a fury of words Why do you keep asking me if I'm angry? Of course I'm angry because you keep asking me that! Yeah I know I have a grumpy (type of) face!! I was shocked. That came out of nowhere. But then again, when I thought about it, this is really her.
She has the tendency to snap easily and when you tell her about it, she makes you feel really guilty for 'accusing' her of it. So definitely not the easiest to have difficult conversations with. Because when she feels she's right, she'll make damn sure you know she is RIGHT.
Exactly the problem I had when growing up. Both my mum and dad brought me up in lecture style. There was no such thing as open discussions. Their word is law, and a simple mistake of pointing out your opinion is understood as being rude or argumentative. And yet they talked about democracy, about Mahathir's iron fist but obviously such open mindedness did not extend to family communications.
It was very simple. If they say the apple is red and I pointed out it is actually green, I am considered rude. Of course in real life, the conversations were far much complexed, but that's the best and simplest way of explaining why I usually felt exasperated.
My mother also had this habit of making sure you do things in the way she saw it 'best'. Let's say if she told you to put on a cap because it is hot, and you'd rather not for some reason she'll call you silly/stupid. This was really patronising and annoying as while I was growing up, I felt the need to explore many things in new ways, yet I'd received flak because my ways were considered stupid.
It was in many ways hurtful, but I am glad that nowadays my time is not spent entirely with them, which gives me space to do my own stuff and feel that I miss them.
I've always observed my friends' communication with their parents and noticed the different dynamics that come into play. I have high regards for parents who when disagreeing with their child, ask them in a calm and unaffected tone why they are doing (whatever that displeases them) . And when the child explains, they do not immediately shoot down their child's answer but proceed to discuss about what displeases them. I was never a bad child or a naughty one. Yet while growing up, many times I felt like I was being questioned like a high-on-the-list fugitive. And 'discussions' always end with their verdict telling me exactly what they wanted me to do. I pray I never have to do that to my own children in future. Yet many people pray the same thing only to realise later their acting exactly like their parents did. Shudder ...
On retrospect, the way they brought me up contributed to the way I am today. I was timid because I was always afraid of what they would say or think. Today, I care less and realised I need to listen to my inner voice. In the past, when in conversation with people, I rarely voiced my opinion because with my parents, it was really unnecessary to have an opinion in an argument, so as to stay a 'polite' child. Most of the time when I did have courage to argue back, I usually ended up feeling defeated and in tears. They also always discouraged me from receiving favours from my friends because it is considered tak malu or visiting my friends' houses for no particular reason because they felt that each family needs its individual and private space. This I find is true with some families, but I've also learnt that there are many many families who keep their houses open to their friends whom they warmly welcome to their homes. And there are many friends who do you a big favour just because they're nice and not to make you feel like you owe them one. I once had difficulty accepting favours from friends, feeling very guilty each time I did because I always felt that they had to sacrifice time and effort just for me. And who was I? But thanks to many friends, they taught me that the best answer to a favour is just a big thank you and appreciation. Thanks guys, it was a good lesson learnt.
It may seem a little late, but finally I feel I can differentiate myself from my parents and I have moved from under their shadow. So many thoughts of rebellion that used to play in mind are now mostly gone. Now, I don't feel the need to fight back, because there is no fight anymore. I no longer feel their grip on me, but I hope I will see the next phase of life walking alongside them because I do love them, but it will take a lot more to forget the rough start.
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