Preparing for a Getaway!

It's 5 days more till I whisk myself off to a getaway holiday! And the usual excitement is there, planning what to do (I love to do research before going, call me kiasu but I don't want to miss out on great activities!) , planning what to wear (I take a minimum of 3 hours to pack my bag to make sure I bring the littlest among of clothes, all versatile pieces, yet I end up almost always having a big heavy bag OR a bag with too little clothes I have to borrow my sis's clothes).

But the oddest thing is, I suddenly found another new 'to do' item. How to stay in shape so I don't spill from my beachwear. *Gasp* In all my years of beach holidays, I had never worried about this, not because I have a good body or anything, but it never seemed to matter. I always felt I am an average looking person and I'll be fine, and really who cares anyway? I laughed out LOUD at women's mag articles on '10 surefire ways to get your body trimmed by summer' and '10 desperate measures to get in shape for that bikini' but now... now... I am suddenly paying attention to these sort of articles. Suddenly, looking average ( lumpy here and there and spots of cellulite at places I shall not disclose) is not good enough.

I'm not sure how this 'sudden' change of perspective came about. Did my eyes consume too many of the cheap, slutty, slimming ads? Have I been around too many skinny models? I'm racking my brain to see if someone recently told me I look fat (hmm thinking about that, yes my dad did mention something a couple of weeks ago, but that's hardly a cause for a sudden desperation to look toned?) Or do I suddenly have higher standards for myself?

Hmm.... I think it could be all of the above. Which makes me wonder.. how many more days, hours, minutes and seconds left before I hit the beach? Oh no... not many!

Playing Pretend

I know it is just good nature to ask ' How are you?'

But do people really want to know the answer? Or do they expect you to just say fine, thank you.
There are days when I feel like shit and I just cringe and say fine, thank you. I really don't want to launch into an assault and ask 'do you really want to know?'

Because I might just start blabbering about how un-fine I am and you may never want to ask again 'How are you'

It's tiring to pretend I'm fine. I prefer to just smile, people usually prefer seeing a sunny day and a bright, cheery person.

The other day a priest was talking about 'feelings' and 'experiences'. Feelings come and go whereas experiences stay on in your memory. It's good teaching and quite practical when you think about it. My feelings are on a yo-yo most days. One shot of euphoria when things go well and the next moment feeling really low. At least now I try to remember my experiences, the good experiences I had, and to believe if I can live out the bad ones, there are more good experiences waiting for me.

Taking the road less travelled

I must say I have full respect for those who cut themselves from what's 'normal' and familiar to pursue their dreams. Recently, a friend did just that. He knew his calling. And it was not in his marketing job.

While having an easy Sunday morning mamak breakfast with him, he casually blurted out that he has quit his job. I was astounded at first. He is or rather was working with a highly respected corporation. But my amazement quickly turned into awe. This is what in my deepest dreams, I always dream of doing. And here seated in front of me is my friend with out-of-bed hair, groggy eyes and a lopsided grin telling me he has just done it.

I remember many times, during orientations and surveys, I was asked who is your Idol? I never had one. I don't need ONE IDOL, simply because all around me are many many friends who come in and out of my life taking bold steps which are simply inspiring. Their optimism and can-do attitude never fails to put in a better mood. They give strength to the coward that resides in me. And I thank God for having known them.

It's a wrap!!

My eyes are droopy right now, but there's a sense of euphoria for today's accomplishment. Derrik, Burn, Derrik's Hong Kong friend, Tony Leung, and our darling actors Eva and Andrew finally completed shooting by 7.15 pm today! Shooting was meant to be completed last Sunday, but due to horrible weather and all kinds of unplanned for disturbances such as construction sounds, neighbours renovations, sounds of kids playing and nosey neighbours, shooting was, to put it in mild terms, less than satisfactory. But last Sunday's damper is no longer like a heavy rain cloud over head since we finished shooting today in perfect timing, just before it got dark. Plus, the weather was hot but not horridly so, and rain clouds 'blessed' our production team with only a few stray drops. And with very committed actors, shooting was a breeze and not too mention fun with all the silly bloopers. Okay will stop for now, the film now depends on Derrik's superb editing skills. June 31st will be the due date for our BMW Shorties entry and we just can't wait.

At least now shooting is over, I can concentrate on writing the script for the Dalat video. It's suppose to be just a 15 minute script but till now I haven't finish it!! Arghh, there seems to be not enough time....

Of kopitiams and durians

I remember about 4 or 5 years ago when the urban 'kopitiam' have just begun sprouting around town, furnished in the old charm of marble tables and polished wooden floors. Back then, I was aghast that everyday favourites like nasi lemak and asam laksa were being sold for RM 8 + when a typical bowl at the typical kopitiam costs RM 2.00 and RM 3.80. It seemed as if this new wave of entrepreunership was really cashing in on people by spinning a new chic to what is arguably most Malaysians' comfort food.

But now fast forward to present times, I admit I do patronise the new urban kopitiams quite frequently and have stopped chastizing the steeper prices as they are strategically located within malls, do not have the typical sticky and dirty kopitiam floors and are even offering free wi-fi. (and did I mention air-cond too ? :P Though the latest of this chic kopitiams, Pappa Rich, does try to push the price level even higher than the rest of its competitors (sigh.. inflation of the nasi lemak price again)

I think one of the best things that 'urbanizing' the kopitiams has done is that the tradition of kopitiams are carried on for the new generation. The little kids may not know that the original kopitiams did actually use marble tables and those cute porcelain, 'cracked' looking coffee cups, but for those who are at least in their twenties, they can identify with it. Whoever who started this whole urban kopitiam madness whether it was Kluang Station or Old Town, it is a brilliant tribute to keeping the Malaysian tradition of kopitiams intact. At one point, kopitiams were losing out to the wave of frappucinos from Starbucks, I wouldn't say they have won the battle now, but at least people have a choice.

And speaking of almost dying traditions and past times, I read an article where someone lamented people don't eat durian like they used to anymore. Those days when whole families sat around the prized fruit and watched it being pried open are now just sweet ol' memories. We used to wait anxiously for the durian season and when it did come, lorries full of durians will be parked side by side along the road. They'd set up makeshift stalls, with flimsy canvas roofs and you might remember customers even eating at the stalls itself. And whenever my father when out of town and passed by cheap durian stalls, he'll fill his car boot with so much of the prickly fruit we'd be eating for hours.

Whatever happened to those days?

Who in the world talks about the best durian they had last night anymore?

Maybe someone should take a cue from those kopitiams and give a new urban chic to eating durians. Set up a 'shack' like structure outside malls with scraps of wood to give that 'authentic' yet polished feel of a modernised durian stall. And we could have box like stools for customers to have their durians at the stall itself, complete with a mist-fan to cool down. Sounds like an idea? Waiting to see it happen.. :P

Song for my flesh and blood

Dear flesh and blood
We used to play together
Now not anymore...
You used to wanna stick to me
But I always pushed you aside
Growing up I never ever thought
One day I'd wake up

And our fantasies will be over
Rainbows are shorter
Notice between flowers
There are thorns

Now if I knew
I would have held on
Held on so tight to your hand
Your little palm in my little palm
We'll hold on

Well I know now the bitter truth
We're apart, Only close by name
Everything's not the same...

But can I, dare I
Ask you now
Would you, would you
Make me apart of your life
Not feel afraid to share your cries
And bless me with your smiles..

It hurts me so
To watch from afar
Knowing you're taking the black path
But I'm silent and keep still
Cos I always stir your wrath..

Dear flesh and blood
We used to play together
We used to play together
We used to....

Back then...

When I look back, I realised that just like many other people, growing up was not easy. And there are some people who while flipping the pages of their yearbook recount the horrors with laughter, I am not too sure if mine were funny at all.Or maybe I'm too serious. But whatever it is, my diary still holds recollections of the hurt, disappointment and frustration that took place a lot of the time. And most of the time, the strongest of these feelings were evoked by my parents.

After my teens I tried to talk to my mum about it before to cut loose my baggage, but soon realised that this is not a good tea topic for discussion as no parent would like to think that they've did something wrong right? After all, it is quite insulting to them after trying their very best, that things did not really work out. I really don't mean to say that I've now turned out any less than a decent adult, in fact I did turn out pretty ok. Just that I do carry some baggage from my teenage years.

When I entered my twenties, I did forget about the difficulty growing up during my teens for quite a bit as I spent less and less time with my parents and family. Recently, I realised the distance and space proved vital as it allowed me to grow on my own, feeling a little lighter and less burdened by all our communication breakdowns.

That difficult phase became a distant memory until tonight when I had dinner with my parents and two brothers. My mother seemed irritated for some reason, and the fact that the restaurant's service was poor further aggravated her nerves. We started by choosing dishes for dinner when I noticed that she her tone does have a patronising edge. I had for a long time forgotten this side of her as I've been busy with work so what little time I have with her, we usually spend it updating each other on our daily activities. Back to ordering dishes, I suggested what was good, but in her usual half-scolding voice, shot down my suggestions. Okay, never mind I told myself. Though, she could still have told me nicely some of them are having a cough, therefore they're having none of my chilli filled dishes but yet she said ' How to eat?! They're coughing!' Honestly, I think over the years growing up with her as a mum taught me how to be extremely tolerant. Many friends have many times been amazed at my ability to just shake things off and stay calm when being confronted by pissy people; well what can I say, my family taught me well. Back to the dinner scene, I just shrugged and told her to order whatever she wants.

While waiting for the food to arrive, the waiters kept coming to our table to let us know that this dish is sold out, that dish is sold out and so on. That got her blood pressure even higher and I could see she was snapping and mumbling her annoyances under her breath. So, trying to relax her, I jokingly asked, Why are you so angry? Stress ah? Take it easy la... No reply from her, so I thought maybe she did relax abit.

Later on while having dinner, when someone else mentioned again that she looks stressed (could have been my bro or I) she broke into a fury of words Why do you keep asking me if I'm angry? Of course I'm angry because you keep asking me that! Yeah I know I have a grumpy (type of) face!! I was shocked. That came out of nowhere. But then again, when I thought about it, this is really her.

She has the tendency to snap easily and when you tell her about it, she makes you feel really guilty for 'accusing' her of it. So definitely not the easiest to have difficult conversations with. Because when she feels she's right, she'll make damn sure you know she is RIGHT.

Exactly the problem I had when growing up. Both my mum and dad brought me up in lecture style. There was no such thing as open discussions. Their word is law, and a simple mistake of pointing out your opinion is understood as being rude or argumentative. And yet they talked about democracy, about Mahathir's iron fist but obviously such open mindedness did not extend to family communications.

It was very simple. If they say the apple is red and I pointed out it is actually green, I am considered rude. Of course in real life, the conversations were far much complexed, but that's the best and simplest way of explaining why I usually felt exasperated.

My mother also had this habit of making sure you do things in the way she saw it 'best'. Let's say if she told you to put on a cap because it is hot, and you'd rather not for some reason she'll call you silly/stupid. This was really patronising and annoying as while I was growing up, I felt the need to explore many things in new ways, yet I'd received flak because my ways were considered stupid.

It was in many ways hurtful, but I am glad that nowadays my time is not spent entirely with them, which gives me space to do my own stuff and feel that I miss them.

I've always observed my friends' communication with their parents and noticed the different dynamics that come into play. I have high regards for parents who when disagreeing with their child, ask them in a calm and unaffected tone why they are doing (whatever that displeases them) . And when the child explains, they do not immediately shoot down their child's answer but proceed to discuss about what displeases them. I was never a bad child or a naughty one. Yet while growing up, many times I felt like I was being questioned like a high-on-the-list fugitive. And 'discussions' always end with their verdict telling me exactly what they wanted me to do. I pray I never have to do that to my own children in future. Yet many people pray the same thing only to realise later their acting exactly like their parents did. Shudder ...

On retrospect, the way they brought me up contributed to the way I am today. I was timid because I was always afraid of what they would say or think. Today, I care less and realised I need to listen to my inner voice. In the past, when in conversation with people, I rarely voiced my opinion because with my parents, it was really unnecessary to have an opinion in an argument, so as to stay a 'polite' child. Most of the time when I did have courage to argue back, I usually ended up feeling defeated and in tears. They also always discouraged me from receiving favours from my friends because it is considered tak malu or visiting my friends' houses for no particular reason because they felt that each family needs its individual and private space. This I find is true with some families, but I've also learnt that there are many many families who keep their houses open to their friends whom they warmly welcome to their homes. And there are many friends who do you a big favour just because they're nice and not to make you feel like you owe them one. I once had difficulty accepting favours from friends, feeling very guilty each time I did because I always felt that they had to sacrifice time and effort just for me. And who was I? But thanks to many friends, they taught me that the best answer to a favour is just a big thank you and appreciation. Thanks guys, it was a good lesson learnt.

It may seem a little late, but finally I feel I can differentiate myself from my parents and I have moved from under their shadow. So many thoughts of rebellion that used to play in mind are now mostly gone. Now, I don't feel the need to fight back, because there is no fight anymore. I no longer feel their grip on me, but I hope I will see the next phase of life walking alongside them because I do love them, but it will take a lot more to forget the rough start.

Beer and Burps at Brussels

After hearing much about Brussels at Jaya One, I decided to go check out the place myself. Though not very much a beer expert or fan, checking out something new is always exciting for me :P So there I was sitted with CY, Sook and Yen yen each trying to make our minds what to drink. After all, the list is long and it's not everyday we encounter foreign beers. After each of us picked our beer, I suddenly decided to ask em' what the promotion of the day was. Turns out a bucket of 4 bottles of Hoegaarden Forbidden Fruit was going at about RM 50 something, so we all changed our orders (which I'm sure frustrates just about any waiter/waitress, though the one who served us still did it with a pleasant smile)

Boy, it was definitely yummy. Sweet and flavourful, definitely irresistible. What have I been missing all this while.....? Anyway, I love looking at design and I think Forbidden Fruit's label is definitely interesting (which means I also brought home the coaster :)


Food is yummy, tried the German sausages my friend ordered and some bacon cocktail sausages I ordered, but price leans on the ouch side abit. My four bacon wrapped cocktail sausages cost rougly RM 14, definitely pricey for little stuff that you can woof at one go.

Oh well no matters, I'll still be back for another beer next time around :)